My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
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At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it