doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Help Wanted
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.