wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
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long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.