“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
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Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.