Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Webb. James Webb.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk