Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen