*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
You Might Also Like
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.