THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
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Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you