Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
That’s not how days work.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.