my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
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The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
normalize having existential bread
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.