My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
No. He’s not coming out to play
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
I just ran a .003048K
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol