WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
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I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.