*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
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Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
#Thanos #MondayMood
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.