ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
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I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Trains are just sideway elevators.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
#Caturday
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy