7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
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My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas