Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
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ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
In case you needed to hear it:
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
My life in a nutshell
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
How dramatic are you?