Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
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It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Fidel Castro was alive?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.