just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 馃拃
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trying to convince my straight friends it鈥檚 homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I鈥檝e eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don鈥檛 wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I鈥檓 going to be pissed
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Mad Max Arctic Road
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
lol
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 馃槏馃槏
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it鈥檚 going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it鈥檚 going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it鈥檚 because I鈥檓 an idiot.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.