If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
This is always good for a laugh.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Print is alive and well!!!
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Phones down.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point