Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
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*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad