“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
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Breaking news:
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
*Inspirational Tweets*
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.