I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
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me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.