Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
You Might Also Like
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero