I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
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[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“We will wed,” I threatened
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*