Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
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5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
john wicks are toilet candles
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”