me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
You Might Also Like
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Oh no
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof