I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
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My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
This rocks
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
fr
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!