“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
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jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The most important meal of the day is the next one
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
#Caturday
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
A wise man once said nothing.