Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
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My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
#oldknees
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.