Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
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covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
me before I type out affect or effect
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process