Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
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The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
me
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this