Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
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Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th