Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
You Might Also Like
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Breaking news:
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible