You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Proctology is located in A55
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
oh u like geography? name every lake
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.