I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.