“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
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A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
where the womens at?
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out