In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
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The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Mistakes were made
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…