Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
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“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
Room with a view.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.