Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
CW: What’s for lunch; smells good!
Me: Well I made lasagna last night but lost a fingernail in it & haven’t found it yet.
CW:
Me: *smirks*
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family