Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine