This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
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I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.