me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
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It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it