Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
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A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
😬
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.