Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
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no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Beware…..
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
I created you as mosquito food.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*