“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
You Might Also Like
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I camp so other people don’t have to.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day