Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
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It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.