Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
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wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Erm I’m gonna say no
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.