Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
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my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Buying a well is money well spent.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Lol
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”