Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
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An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family