“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
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My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”